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  • Let’s talk about INFIDELITY

    Gosh, it is a pretty difficult topic to write on! After all we are talking about unfaithfulness (that’s what infidelity literally means). I’m going to discuss about it without trying to be judgemental. That’s why not writing this as a “How to” post, you know.. not as a “How to catch your cheating husband or wife” or “How to cheat on your husband or wife” kind of post! I just want to understand the reasons behind infidelity, the mechanism of it. So let’s see what we can think about extra marital affairs!

    Let’s start from the beginning

    We live in a monogamous social structure. Most of us do. Where it is a norm to have only one sexual partner at a time. Some of us are going along with this system happily, some of us are finding it difficult. The question is, are we naturally monogamous? If you look at history, this practice of monogamy came to India with Christianity. And that is not very long ago. Before that men were allowed to have polygamous relationships. Polyandry or women having several husbands were not a sin as well. Polyandry is still practiced in some parts of India. So basically everything is normal and natural. The thing is, ‘normal’ is something the majority of the society votes for. That’s not also normal. well, what if a person is polygamous by nature? What if s/he is trying very hard to work the monogamous relationship? Should we as a society shame that person? Or should we appreciate the effort s/he is giving? And why is s/he is doing that? Do happy people also cheat?

    What if it’s him

    “If my husband cheats on me, I would never ever forgive him”

    or

    “If I ever catch him red handed, he’ll see what I can do!”

    I think we have heard this somewhere or the other. Some people think that a person cheats because he or she is unhappy with the other half. But if you think logically most of the time it’s not the case. People cheat because they want to, because they can, because it’s thrilling or because they are genuinely interested in another person. Or may be because they want to rediscover themselves or perhaps they were crying for something inside and it was never heard or addressed. Most of the time it’s not you who is lacking something! And most of the time a person who is being unfaithful doesn’t necessarily “hate” you or doesn’t appreciate being with you. Yes, he has a problem with following rules and sticking with his promises. Discuss about it, shaming the person won’t really help. I have seen women thinking or feeling that they are ‘not good enough’. That is definitely not true in most of the cases! So punishing yourself won’t help, punishing the other person won’t fix the problem either! I think discuss clearly what your believes, boundaries and view points are. Don’t be hesitant to go to a marriage counselor. Don’t be ashamed to get help (counseling). It saves you from a lot of unnecessary drama.

    Infidelity is definitely a flaw of character in a person if that person has chose to be in a monogamous relationship. But infidelity can’t make everything wrong about that person. What you have built together all of a sudden cannot mean nothing. It is very obvious to feel betrayed. It is natural to grieve and curse that person. Pent-up emotion isn’t good either. But just imagine how marriages were before, they were economic arrangements not a matter of heart. People used to go outside the marriage for love. Now the paradigm of marriage has shifted to love. Now we think that our better half, the ‘chosen one’ will be everything that we are seeking for. They will be our best friends, passionate lovers, open yet mysterious, wise yet childish, practical and adventurous, they will take care of us yet won’t be too clingy, we should be able to discuss things related to our passions and hobbies in depth with the other person… and the list goes on. What we want is a village of people in a single person. Is it even logical or possible? One person cannot fulfill your every demand because it is not humanly possible. That’s why one should have other outlets, other friends for different things ( will have to write another full fledged post on this topic). By saying one should have other outlets, I’m not saying ‘go and have an affair.’ Am I pro or against infidelity? Of course it’s not a thing to be prescribed. What I’m trying to say is if it is happening with you take a little time to think. In today’s world people are having multiple relationships, they are falling in love more than once, they are marrying more than once, even with the same person. What I’m saying is, your first marriage or relationship is probably over by now. But would you like to create a second marriage together?

    Or what if it’s you?

    So what if you like it? A mature answer to this question cannot be either black or white. Do you feel guilty? Or do you just feel afraid of getting caught? Or maybe you know what to do but you just can’t stop it! Theoretically you should talk to your partner but practically it may cause a lot of drama you are not equipped to handle right now. I think a clear purpose of life comes handy in this situation. What is your purpose of life? How do you want to live? Where do you want to see yourself? Why do you want to be married or be in a relationship? Ask yourself these questions. Then analyse weither infidelity helps you or not. You will be able to find your way. And as I said before, don’t be afraid to get professional help!

    The other option

    ” ‘Polyamory’ is the practice of, or desire for intimate relationship with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved. It has been described as ‘consensual, ethical and responsible non-monogamy’ “. (Wiki)

    This may sound very unrealistic but it exists. Most of us might be unaware of this practice in our society. Some people are actually choosing to be in a polyamorous relationship and they are happy. I feel it’s better to be accepting than judgemental. Rigidity doesn’t help in the long run because society is ever-changing. Who knows, this practice might become a norm after a few decades!

    Okay, this wasn’t very hard to discuss! But I want to know about your thoughts as well!! If you are not comfortable commenting down below, you can always DM on my Instagram.

    Will see you soon dear. Till then, ask yourself uneasy questions and answer them without deceiving yourself! Be true to ‘you’.

    xoxo

    Mrs. Ray

    Acknowledgement: All the opinions in this post are my own but some of them are also formed by Esther Perel’s video content. Go check out her Ted Talk on Youtube.

  • 5 ways to be loved by your in-laws – for the bride-to-be

    After one year and ten months of marriage I think I can write a little bit on this topic. Before the wedding almost every girl gets really anxious about her in-laws. Be it a love marriage or an arranged one, you can’t really know how the in-laws are. You can’t understand a person unless and until you stay with them under the same roof. I was one anxious little bride-to-be, all my friends were worried as well before their weddings. If you are going to be a bride soon, then these tips will definitely help you to be loved by your in-laws. Also they’ll provide you some peace of mind!

    1. Don’t have too much expectations

    Basic expectations are normal, it is absolutely normal to expect that you would be respected in the new home. Do not accept disrespectful attitude or any kind of tortures. My point here is very simple, do not daydream about how your life is going to be with your in-laws. When we paint a picture in our mind, it becomes very difficult to adjust when reality doesn’t match up with the dream. You can’t imagine how another human will be! Sometimes the reality is good enough but not as good as our daydreams. That’s when we start feeling unloved or disturbed. If you think logically you’ll see daydreaming about relationships actually doesn’t help in reality.

    2. Give and take of love

    You have to give love to get back love. A loveless approach towards another person generally doesn’t arouse love. Even if your in-laws aren’t that loving, if you act with love and respect, they will also feel the warmth of your heart and will start loving you and accepting you as their own. Always remember, it takes time to become a part of a family. Theoretically you become another family member as soon as you marry your husband but to be loved you need to win their hearts first. You have to become dependable. You have to show that you care about them. Your little acts and gestures of love are actually what matters the most.

    3. Learn the temperament

    Every person has different temperaments. Some people say things on your face, if you are not used to it, you might get hurt. According to my experience people who speak their mind are easier to deal with than those who sugar coat everything. My advice is: read people at first. See how they behave, what they like or dislike, do not show your cards on the first day. I’m not asking you to be fake, I’m just asking you to be observant. Don’t go to confrontation at first. If you really feel the need to protest or express your thoughts about certain things, always do it very gently, with respect. Don’t look down on someone, specially if they are not from your generation. Try to read the situation and try to find solutions. Getting married also means growing up. So don’t pout. Think and solve things like a lady.

    4. Participate

    Participate in any kind of household work. People generally bond while working together. Try to learn things from your mother-in-law and/or father-in-law. Learn something that you don’t know and teach them something that they are willing to learn. I didn’t know much about cooking and had no idea about housekeeping. I learnt all that from my mother-in-law and taught her how to use a smart phone! We bonded over these little things. We bonded because we respected eachother’s knowledge and the urge to learn new things.

    5. Be a friend

    The best way to win someone’s heart is by listening to them. Talk to them, chat about their past, listen to their stories. You will discover a person who can easily be your friend. You guys may not be best of friends, but you will be able to communicate with them. Every relationship takes time to grow. Don’t keep any grudges against your in-laws. Always remember you will get time to clear things. It’s actually better to clearly say what you like and dislike but just think a little bit before speaking. Just imagine, you like someone and want to be his or her friend, how would you behave with that person? Behave just the way you would behave with a new friend. Think them not as your opponents-to-be but as your friends-to-be.

    I wish you all the luck. May you have a wonderful married life full of peace and happiness 💗

    Will see you very soon. Till then be the kind of bride you wanna be.

    xoxo

    Mrs. Ray

  • How to become charming at any age

    Some people are so effortlessly charming! That makes us wonder if charm is something one is born with. Or can it be acquired? If you want to know my opinion darling, charm can be acquired through practice. My bet is, anyone can become charming at any age!

    What is the secret?

    Well, according to me all the charming people have one thing in common, they make you feel special. How do they do that? Charming people show genuine attentiveness towards anyone they meet, even to the door men of shopping stores. They smile and and vibrate positivity. So if you want to be a charming person, be attentive! Genuinely show interest in the things and people around you. Treat everyone with a smile.

    Don’t hear, Listen

    Do you remember the song “people talking without speaking, people hearing without listening”? Now a days our attention span has decreased immensely. We can’t listen to people with all our attention without checking the mobile a few times. To be honest this kind of behaviour is very off putting. Charming people are always a great listener. They are also great at prioritising what’s important in the present time.

    Their own treasure

    All the charming people are very good at something. Be it singing, dancing, painting, swimming, gardening, reading, trekking, driving.. I mean they are passionate about at least one thing or more. A passionate person always radiates energy and anyone gets attracted to energy. That is how human beings work. If you don’t have a hobby yet, pick one. Don’t just pick something that sounds ‘cool’, pick something that genuinely interests you. If you can’t decide on a hobby, explore a little to settle with the one best suitable for you.

    Oil your machine

    Charming people are mostly very active people. Not only mentally active but also physically. I would suggest you to choose either walking, yoga or working out at home or at a gym. Exercise gives us endorphin, endorphin makes us happy and “happy people just don’t kill their husbands” – that’s what Elle Woods said in Lagally Blonde. My point is, treat your body as a machine which needs maintenance. Have proper diet,exercise and sleep. A person who feels good inside radiates good vibes outside.

    Smell, feel & visuals

    Charming people are not necessarily the most beautiful people but they are well kept. They smell fresh, dress well (nothing fancy all the time, but ironed and clean every time), look presentable. If you need to improve your personal hygiene, do it now! Follow some morning and night rituals everyday, take a bath everyday, go to the beauty parlor once in a while or to do the basic things at home. Give some love to your outer self because your body deserves love sweetheart.

    Love’s in the air

    Charming people are always in love. Well, it may not be with a particular person, it might be with her pet, with her parents, with herself, with trees and flowers even. Being in love is beautiful and it automatically transforms a person into a lovely being. So find your love ladies.

    As you can see, the tips I have mentioned here can be followed by ladies of any age. Remember one thing, you do not have to be perfect, you just need to accept yourself, love yourself and improve for the betterment. I haven’t met any charming person who is backstabbing, always gossiping or just thinks bad about everything and everyone. Negative energy is not attractive. Therefor it is not charming. For me, charm = positive energy.

    So ladies, now you know what you need to do!

    Best of luck! Will talk to you charmers soon, till then practice and.. practice!

    xoxo

    Mrs.Ray

  • 3 ways to save your marriage from emotional damage

    He screamed, she cried, they fought like cats and dogs. She couldn’t sleep, the thoughts of divorce or separation made her terribly anxious. She woke up next day with a heavy heart, emotionally weak, a lot things were told to her that she didn’t like. She wanted to give replies to all of them. She wanted to show him how bad she feels…. “What should I do?” she asked herself. We all have been in her shoes. What do you think she should do? I have a few tips for her. Let me know if you agree with them.

    Take your time to analyse

    Sometimes it’s better to take a few hours after the fight to calm yourself down. Time helps to clear your clouded mind. If possible go for a walk to clear your mind. Fresh air and blood circulation in the body helps us to think straight. Slowly analyse the fight. Try to think what he really meant to say. People say a lot of things that they really don’t mean to when they are angry. Some people also find it hard to express their feelings properly. Some tell the truth just on your face and it is quite a job to handle sometimes. Most of the time the main issue of a fight is not bad at all. For example you may sit down to discuss about your future and end up disagreeing with a lot of things. In this case you have to understand that the main issue was noble. Derailing from the conversation was the problem. Every fight is different but if you analyse it carefully you’ll find the root cause to be good most of the time.

    Reset the preset

    Most of us have preset notions about everything, like how love and marriage should be, how husband or wife should be in the relationship, how children should be raised etc. Preset notions are not bad as long as you are not too rigid about them. Rigidity only invites unhappiness and emotional damage. Probably you had a picture in your mind about how your future husband should be like. Reality will not match 100% with that ideal picture. He may behave differently, he may have flaws that you didn’t want your picture perfect husband to posses. Your husband may have some preset notions that you don’t match entirely. Both the husband and wife must be flexible. It is very important to have edit options for your preset notions.

    Keep the flow going

    Do not stop conversing after a fight. You may not feel like talking because you are hurt. If you are like me, you know you wont have much success expressing in words what you feel inside. But it is extremely important to get the poison out of your system. It is equally important to let him know the things that you did not like and would not accept. When you feel you can have a conversation rationally, speak up. If you are uncomfortable speaking, write it down, edit it and then give it to him. A conversation can clear a lot of unnecessary emotional baggage. You may find out that you were misreading the whole situation all along. Or he may understand his faults as well. Whatever happens, never stop the flow of conversation. Only remind yourself to be accepting and flexible.

    That’s all for now ladies. Let me know if you agree with my points. I would love to know what is your take on this topic. Feel free to comment.

    Till then, keep your chin up, wipe out those tears with a fancy handkerchief and carry on.

    xoxo

    Mrs. Ray

  • Ashamed to be a Homemaker?

    “I’m a homemaker.” How many of you have said that without feeling any sense of guilt, shame or inferiority complex? When you say that how do you feel? Do you feel proud and happy with your title? Or do you always mumble in your mind, “Oh don’t ask me what I’m doing!” whenever you meet someone new or in family gatherings and other social events? Darling I have been there, and I know I’m not alone. But why is this feeling of shame comes when you are a homemaker? why ? Let’s try to find out why!

    Because society says so:

    We are in the second decade of 2000. Women have come a long way struggling with oppression, inequality, brutality, injustice. We have educated ourselves in the hope of equal everything, from rights to salaries. So whenever we see young educated women not taking up a job or leaving a job to concentrate on her family and home, we as a society become furious. We think that we have the right to shame those feminine ‘losers’ for not ‘fighting’, for not ‘slaying’ everyday, for not taking up the opportunity that we have fought so much to provide. In all of this we are totally forgetting that those women who are choosing homemaking have free will. Women have fought so much to choose what they want. Now it seems they are getting shamed for practicing their rights. We are getting shamed for staying at home, for ”doing nothing”. Now I want you to ask yourself a question, “Will I take that shit?”

    Not knowing the answer:

    I know so many homemakers who are wonderful people, adding value to their families, to their communities, changing people’s lives with their goodwill, yet they suffer from inferiority complex. One of them told me that she feels inferior because she doesn’t get a salary. She feels inferior comparing herself with salaried women. Even after accomplishing so much she can’t feel confident. She is suffering from confidence issues because she still haven’t been able to accept herself. She would have been happier with herself only if she could tell the whole world, “Yes, I am a homemaker. I am valuable. My value is not determined by the salary I draw but the lives I touch with my goodness.” Yes my darling, that is the answer. Accepting yourself is the answer. If you proudly accept yourself, no one can shame you.

    Co-dependence is not acknowledged

    “Be an independent woman.” we have heard this plenty of times. Some of us heard that from our parents, everyone from our teachers for sure! In today’s world when people do not care about other’s needs, be it another human being or nature, the concept of co-dependence becomes more relevant. We have to depend on each other for sustaining. As soon as we understand it, the better. A married couple is dependent on each other and that is the beauty of marriage or any human bonds. We must acknowledge co-dependence because everyone is dependent on someone or the other. And no one should feel ashamed for that. When a person goes to office s/he depends on a lot of people; maid, security person, driver, lift man, boss or co-workers, accountant, lawyers, doctors, mail man and the list goes on. My point is, no one is purely independent. I’m not against woman earning money! I just want to show all the ladies that you are not the dependent one in the relationship, the other person is also depending on you.

    Embrace what you are. Acknowledge your strengths. Respect yourself. Next time when someone asks you what you do, proudly reply, “I’m a homemaker.”

    That’s all for now ladies. See you soon on the next blog post. Till then keep your posture straight and elegantly carry on.

    xoxo

    Mrs. Ray